Goodbye Baby Two...
I never thought this would happened to me. Baby Two has left us, yesterday.
I was due for my routine check the very next day after Lia's birthday and I went in to my gynae's clinic with mixed feelings. I tried to look on the bright side that the gap would be gone by now (it has been 3 weeks) but still, I have had negative thoughts too. At one point I got rather confident and chatted happily with one of my gynae assistant on how the weather is freezing us preggies (she's 3 months pregnant). And when Doc Lee told me Baby Two's heart has stopped, I took a while to register his words in my mind before breaking into tears. I crashed tremendously.
Baby Two had achieved a good growth, from 13.6mm at 7 weeks+ to 36mm at 10 weeks+. With that, Doc Lee concluded that Two's heart had just stopped, one or two days before or probably on the same fateful morning I woke up or even just as I laid down for the ultrasound. But there was no definate answer. I was sent over to the hospital for a detailed scan which confirmed everything.
Development abnormalities, as Doc Lee put it. It may have been an abnormal pregnancy in the first place given the problems with my placenta and the gap may have affected my baby's supply of blood and oxygen. If the pregnancy persists, the baby may be born with a weak heart, or even missing limbs. It is better this way, human nature has probably detected the problems and thus put an end to this whole thing. He told me that it is even harder to deal with an abnormal baby for my whole life. Baby Two has chosen his/her path and decided to leave.
Doc Lee offered two options: 1) do an elective termination of the pregnancy 2) wait for me to start bleeding and... He told me to talk to James but I said it'd be okay, I will make the decision. I decided on the former. Doc Lee scheduled the surgery to be done the next morning for he doesn't want me to risk bleeding over the weekend and have to be sent in to A&E, with the hospital surcharges and all, it wasn't worth it. Iris (Doc Lee's assistant) then made the arrangements.
I picked Lia from school that evening. James' elder sister had wanted to fetch me but I declined. I wanted to be alone. I couldn't face any of them for fear of their queries and I didn't wanna talk about it at all.
Lia came down with gastric flu that night. It was a turmoil for James and myself for we bundled her off to KKH at 3am. We didn't get much sleep and come morning, Lia was sent to my parents-in-laws' house.
I cried on my way to Doc Lee's. I cried when Iris inserted a tablet in me. That was for dilating my cervix so it'd be less painful and I won't tear that much. The surgery was arranged at Camden Medical Centre - Singapore Day Surgery Centre, it was cheaper there as Iris told me. I cried when I was being led to the operating theatre, I continued crying as I laid down on the operating table. The anesthetist saw and asked if I was scared - I continued sobbing, she then asked gently if I am sad on the loss - I said a teary yes. She comforted me and told me something like this: "What's not meant to be is not meant to be kept..." I continued sobbing and she continued comforting me. The drip was set up and she said she'd give me something - couldn't remember the medical name, so I won't feel so anxious and proceeded to inject some stuff. And it worked, I calmed down and took to staring at the lights and looking around.
My heart skipped a beat when they told me Doc Lee has arrived and is changing. Though it was a relieve seeing Iris, I started crying all over again too. Iris comforted me with utmost care and when Doc Lee came over, I knew that's the end. He looked at me with a worried and sad face and said something which I couldn't remember. By then, I was inconsolable and I couldn't even think properly. The anesthetist then said gently that she would put me to sleep now. I cried even more as I said some final goodbyes to my baby. I saw the clock, it was 11.48am and I remember my last words to Baby Two, "Mommy failed you..." and I passed out.
I awoke to bright scenery (out of the operating theatre already) and I couldn't remember if my first question to the nurse was asking for the time or whether I can see the fetus. I think she told me it was 12.25pm and no, I could not see the fetus. My mind was in a whirl, I kept trying to recall on what had happened before I passed out and I don't know why I kept talking and asking the nurse questions. My BP was a little low but the anesthetist said it's fine since I've woke up. Iris came over and checked on me, told me to avoid alcohol and chinese herbs (especially dang-gui) and that I have to rest well. Doc Lee was next, he touched my knee and said it was straight forward, everything's done and okay now and that I should just rest.
I was brought back to the recovery ward. James got me Milo and I ate the sausage croissant which I'd bought from Delifrance earlier on. I was very hungry (my last drink was a small glass of milk at 5.45am when we came back from KKH; after which I had to fast) and I felt really empty. I asked for a second cup of Milo and bah-chor-mee, which James managed to ta-pau from Tanglin Mall. I felt better after all the food and asked to go home. We left at around 3pm.
Lia stayed over with my mother-in-law so that I could get all the rest I need. We were worried she could not adapt but luckily and surprisingly, she was okay. A bit of whining every now and then when she misses me, but she would be quickly distracted by her cousins. James and my mother-in-law are trying to let the little one stay over tonight as well. He's now back at my parents-in-law's place after bringing me dinner and we'll see how it is when he leaves later.
I am proud to say that Baby Two has helped the family. James took up driving lessons (finally!) and I have managed to wean Lia from breastfeeding - the process was much easier than I'd imagine it to be. Perhaps Baby Two knew that we were financially tight at the moment and weren't ready for him/her - it had been an unplanned pregnancy after all. Or perhaps Baby Two knew that I had contemplated wanting him/her in the initial and thus decided to leave? Or perhaps like what Doc Lee had said, Baby Two knew that he/she would be abnormal and thus decided not to come as a burden? The real answer, I do hope Baby Two'd come tell me in my dreams...
This shall be the last ultrasound picture of Baby Two.
.JPG)
Goodbye tiny one, till we meet again.
I was due for my routine check the very next day after Lia's birthday and I went in to my gynae's clinic with mixed feelings. I tried to look on the bright side that the gap would be gone by now (it has been 3 weeks) but still, I have had negative thoughts too. At one point I got rather confident and chatted happily with one of my gynae assistant on how the weather is freezing us preggies (she's 3 months pregnant). And when Doc Lee told me Baby Two's heart has stopped, I took a while to register his words in my mind before breaking into tears. I crashed tremendously.
Baby Two had achieved a good growth, from 13.6mm at 7 weeks+ to 36mm at 10 weeks+. With that, Doc Lee concluded that Two's heart had just stopped, one or two days before or probably on the same fateful morning I woke up or even just as I laid down for the ultrasound. But there was no definate answer. I was sent over to the hospital for a detailed scan which confirmed everything.
Development abnormalities, as Doc Lee put it. It may have been an abnormal pregnancy in the first place given the problems with my placenta and the gap may have affected my baby's supply of blood and oxygen. If the pregnancy persists, the baby may be born with a weak heart, or even missing limbs. It is better this way, human nature has probably detected the problems and thus put an end to this whole thing. He told me that it is even harder to deal with an abnormal baby for my whole life. Baby Two has chosen his/her path and decided to leave.
Doc Lee offered two options: 1) do an elective termination of the pregnancy 2) wait for me to start bleeding and... He told me to talk to James but I said it'd be okay, I will make the decision. I decided on the former. Doc Lee scheduled the surgery to be done the next morning for he doesn't want me to risk bleeding over the weekend and have to be sent in to A&E, with the hospital surcharges and all, it wasn't worth it. Iris (Doc Lee's assistant) then made the arrangements.
I picked Lia from school that evening. James' elder sister had wanted to fetch me but I declined. I wanted to be alone. I couldn't face any of them for fear of their queries and I didn't wanna talk about it at all.
Lia came down with gastric flu that night. It was a turmoil for James and myself for we bundled her off to KKH at 3am. We didn't get much sleep and come morning, Lia was sent to my parents-in-laws' house.
I cried on my way to Doc Lee's. I cried when Iris inserted a tablet in me. That was for dilating my cervix so it'd be less painful and I won't tear that much. The surgery was arranged at Camden Medical Centre - Singapore Day Surgery Centre, it was cheaper there as Iris told me. I cried when I was being led to the operating theatre, I continued crying as I laid down on the operating table. The anesthetist saw and asked if I was scared - I continued sobbing, she then asked gently if I am sad on the loss - I said a teary yes. She comforted me and told me something like this: "What's not meant to be is not meant to be kept..." I continued sobbing and she continued comforting me. The drip was set up and she said she'd give me something - couldn't remember the medical name, so I won't feel so anxious and proceeded to inject some stuff. And it worked, I calmed down and took to staring at the lights and looking around.
My heart skipped a beat when they told me Doc Lee has arrived and is changing. Though it was a relieve seeing Iris, I started crying all over again too. Iris comforted me with utmost care and when Doc Lee came over, I knew that's the end. He looked at me with a worried and sad face and said something which I couldn't remember. By then, I was inconsolable and I couldn't even think properly. The anesthetist then said gently that she would put me to sleep now. I cried even more as I said some final goodbyes to my baby. I saw the clock, it was 11.48am and I remember my last words to Baby Two, "Mommy failed you..." and I passed out.
I awoke to bright scenery (out of the operating theatre already) and I couldn't remember if my first question to the nurse was asking for the time or whether I can see the fetus. I think she told me it was 12.25pm and no, I could not see the fetus. My mind was in a whirl, I kept trying to recall on what had happened before I passed out and I don't know why I kept talking and asking the nurse questions. My BP was a little low but the anesthetist said it's fine since I've woke up. Iris came over and checked on me, told me to avoid alcohol and chinese herbs (especially dang-gui) and that I have to rest well. Doc Lee was next, he touched my knee and said it was straight forward, everything's done and okay now and that I should just rest.
I was brought back to the recovery ward. James got me Milo and I ate the sausage croissant which I'd bought from Delifrance earlier on. I was very hungry (my last drink was a small glass of milk at 5.45am when we came back from KKH; after which I had to fast) and I felt really empty. I asked for a second cup of Milo and bah-chor-mee, which James managed to ta-pau from Tanglin Mall. I felt better after all the food and asked to go home. We left at around 3pm.
Lia stayed over with my mother-in-law so that I could get all the rest I need. We were worried she could not adapt but luckily and surprisingly, she was okay. A bit of whining every now and then when she misses me, but she would be quickly distracted by her cousins. James and my mother-in-law are trying to let the little one stay over tonight as well. He's now back at my parents-in-law's place after bringing me dinner and we'll see how it is when he leaves later.
I am proud to say that Baby Two has helped the family. James took up driving lessons (finally!) and I have managed to wean Lia from breastfeeding - the process was much easier than I'd imagine it to be. Perhaps Baby Two knew that we were financially tight at the moment and weren't ready for him/her - it had been an unplanned pregnancy after all. Or perhaps Baby Two knew that I had contemplated wanting him/her in the initial and thus decided to leave? Or perhaps like what Doc Lee had said, Baby Two knew that he/she would be abnormal and thus decided not to come as a burden? The real answer, I do hope Baby Two'd come tell me in my dreams...
This shall be the last ultrasound picture of Baby Two.
.JPG)
Goodbye tiny one, till we meet again.
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